I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
