her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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