i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just gargled with NyQuil
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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