i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
