You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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