Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There r osticjed everywhere
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
