I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
