The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
