we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
