I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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