I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
