I faked an abortion last night.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
