I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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