Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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