Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize