Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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