God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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