she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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