Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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