did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
