Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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