My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
