The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Still dying that you shit outside
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
