k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just sucked dick on a ferry
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize