So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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