You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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