I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
