need another drink. this is the easiest way
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
