1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
