Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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