I didn't shave. On purpose
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You made out with two different species that night
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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