did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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