I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
