Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
