1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
