I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
