she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
