i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
