i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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