And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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