i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
