Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
