she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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