you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
