I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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