who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
