Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
