I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
