Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
