He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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