shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
