I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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