She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
