So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
