I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
