Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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