It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
