I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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